Hallmark Channel

They say your body changes when you turn 40.  Mine didn't; it waited until I was 42 (the first time, but that's another story) to start to change.  Besides my eyesight getting worse a bit too quickly, the biggest change has been my sudden desire for, GASP!, chick flicks!  I've always hated them, except maybe if they were primarily funny (ala "27 Dresses").  Then I didn't mind them.  But cheesy, icky, romancey stuff? No. Way. Ever.

Until one day we had a free preview of the Hallmark Channel.  I'd never watched it before, and I'm not sure how I happened upon it this one day, but there it was, on my TV.  I got caught up in this cheesy movie, and the whole time I was watching it, I kept saying to myself, "I wrote this--this is exactly like the story I wrote!"  It turns out, I write cheesy romance stories.  I find it embarrassing, and I'm not a romantic person, so I never let anyone read my stories.  But there one was, nearly the same, on the TV.  So I kept watching.  And movie after movie the stories reminded me of stories that I'd written or planned to write.  And suddenly, just like that, I realized that I liked cheesy chick flicks.  I'm so ashamed.  

Just this week I was asking my Hero-Hubby (more about him some other time) if he knew if we'd be getting a preview of the HC any time soon.  And guess what? We did!  I don't know when it started, but it's on now :)  I figured it would be, with the Christmas season upon us (it's 12/7/12 as I write this).  I just watched a very girly movie called Eve's Christmas.  That is one I wouldn't have written, but I did enjoy it.  The horror!

The first step is the sweatiest

I did it! Today I went to aerobics this morning.  It's a program that if completed is the equivalent of a five mile walk.  I did two miles.  I have valid excuses as to why I did not finish.  One, I needed to get the van home so my oldest girls could get to college.  Two, I promised that I would watch my grandson today, because his dad is sick.  Three, because I have a head cold, and breathing is a challenge.  Four, because that was already at least a half-mile longer than I've walked in years! That is the truth of the matter.  But now it's a few hours later and I think I could actually do more!  I don't feel stiff or achy or anything.  I know it's too soon to be proud of myself, but I am.  I've been working up to doing this for years.

I have done exercise before, in the past.  So I know that it can be nearly enjoyable, and that the feelings you get from it (endorphins or whatever) is energizing.  I also know that you can get to a point where you look forward to it.  I'm not there, not yet.  But because I have been there I think I can get there again.  I just need to take that second step.

Library Life

I'm a part-time librarian, and I love it.  For starters, my job keeps me sane; when I'm having depression I can still make myself get ready and go to work.  On my bad days, if I didn't have the job I'd sit home and sink farther into it.  But the best thing about my job is that it lets me be around books. I love books more than almost anything, except of course my family.  And sometimes, even them.  Not really, of course, but I would rather spend time readin than anything else, period.  Is that bad?

When I was a kid I always had my nose in a book.  I took the bus a lot (I grew up in the city; mass transit was the only way to get anywhere, other than by walking.  A lot.), and could read while I rode.  I paid the price with a headache and nausea, but it was so worth it.  Nancy Drew and those cute Hardy Boys spent a lot of time with me in my younger years.  My cousing Michelle once said, "you read too much; you have a problem.  You should get help."  That made me laugh, because it was so crazy--there was no such thing as reading too much!  I had to consider the source--a middle child of 4 that hated books, and myself an only child.  Just in case she ever reads this, I need to mention that she grew up into a wonderful accomplished woman with a degree from a major university and is a business owner.  I don't want to leave any possible wrong bad impressions of my beautiful cousin.  But this isn't about her, it's about books.  And me.  But back to her statement; can a person actually spend too much time reading?  I still don't think so, but not with as much conviction as I had when I was younger. 

I work three days a week, for up to 14 hours.  It isn't a lot, but it's spread out over the week, so it seems like more than it is.  And while I'm there I get to see books go past me, and I think, "do I want to read that? Does it sound good?  Does it come in large print or for my Kindle?"  Yes, those are my actual thoughts.  I have so many books on request that I will never get them all read.  Because I do spend time doing things besides reading.  Such as, I spend a significant amount of time putting ebooks on hold from the library, and getting them off hold and putting them on my Kindle.  I think I'm so slick, because I found that if they're on the Kindle and I turn off the internet I can keep them until I'm done reading them.  It's cheating, true, but I delete them as soon as I'm done, and I'm not keeping anyone else from having them, so I don't feel guilty.  The guilt comes in at the number of them that I have to read still.  I think I need to get a houseboat for the summer, so I don't have anything to do but read.  And wish that it had a potty.  Note to self:  don't get a houseboat unless it has a potty. 

I do a lot at work besides oogle books; I talk to people, I help them with their library needs, I do a lot of cargo (sending and receiving books from inter-library loans), and many other things.  But it all stems from a love of books, doesn't it?  As much as I love my Kindle, it's books that I love.  But my eyes are betraying me, slowly but surely, and it's too hard for me to read regular-print books now.  I can't read paperback at all, without a magnifyer, and that's quite awkward.  I only have one series that I'll read that way, and that's because I started the series years ago, before my eyes started to go bad.  I can do large print, but they are not always available, and often have longer waiting lists.  So I go with eBooks.

One other thing I do when I'm at work...I mentally write books.  I do that wherever I am, but for some reason I have a series of mysteries in my head surrounding a library.  I'll probably never write them down, but it's still a lot of mental fun.  Yup, that's me---all mental fun.

Another day goes by...

The last entry into the blog was on a "bad" day.  Yesterday I was doing better, and today I'm doing better still.  However, I haven't managed to get things done that I need to; I got started on my room.  I swept out everything from under my bed, and now the room looks like a hoarder house--oops!  I need to get this crap cleaned up!  Thankfully, other than a sink full of dishes, the rest of the house isn't that bad.  Pfew! Thank goodness for Thanksgiving house cleaning :)

I had a realization recently about myself, and that is that I'm apathetic.  I do realize that it started out as a defense mechanism against drama and other things in my life.  I talked to my mom on the phone today, and she said, "yeah, I know that.  It's because of your depression."  D'oh! Why didn't she say something?  I suppose she did, in her round-about way.  But I was thinking that maybe the apathy and the depression were different.  I can somehow overcome apathy, I think.  If I think about it enough, and try hard to care about things.  But the depression is just something I have to fight against, so it doesn't "catch hold"  of me.  So now I have more pondering to do.

I thought maybe this would be something fun and funny that friends and family could read every now and then when they're bored, but now I think that it will just bore them. Sigh.  I'm going to keep it up, though, and try to write every day.  Because this is the practice I need for my writing.  I think if I start with gaining the habit of writing it will eventually lead to my fiction writing.  I hope.  I feel like I have a good book or two inside me, I just can't stick with it long enough to get it out.  I'm mildly jealous of other authors that do finish books.  I say mildly, because its too abstract to be real jealousy, and I don't begrudge them their finished books, I just want my own.  I also know that they aren't preventing me in any way from finishing, that its all me.  So I'm more jealous of their personal fortitude, lol.  Oh, expect to see lots of "lol"s in my writing; I can't help it.  I've gotten so used to writing that to express that something is funny that I can't find another way to express it.  I also like smileys :)

I have to stop writing for now, to go check on dinner.  I really feel like I could write more, like if I keep writing today something interesting my flow from my fingertips.  Or not. Whichever.

Btw, that's my idea of the perfect tree!

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy

Today I'm having a "bad" day, which is what I call the days when I can't seem to get out of bed to do even the simplest of things.  It's 1:40 p.m. and I haven't even eaten anything yet, except a couple of chips ahoy.  
Well, it was four cookies, but it could have been the whole pack, and it wasn't, it was only four.  I suppose it could be depression, but I don't feel sad I just feel tired and worthless.  I have so much I have to do, and so much I want to do, yet I haven't done anything.  I haven't even changed the channel on the TV.  Sigh.  

I forgot to blog yesterday, which is stupid, because remembered several times, got distracted, talked to my daughter Angie about her blog, planned to go up immediately and do mine, and, well, didn't.  I'm 40+ years old, and I'm more easily distracted than my 16-month-old grandson!  

I'm not sure why I keep typing, since I don't have anything interesting, insightful or funny to say.  I'd do a book review, it would be tainted by my mood, I'm sure. OK, I'm going to quit now, before I say something dumb.  I do have this to say:  I'm very thankful for my job.  I think it saves me from myself.  I work tonight, so that will require me to get out of bed, eat something, shower and leave the house. Thank you, God, for providing what I need, when I need it, in spite of my best, or worst, efforts to ruin everything at all times.

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

Psalm 119:27-29 

My very first blog post, ever. Sort of.

This is my very first blog post. Ever. Sort of.  Just like the title of the post says.  But to elaborate, I think I may have started other blogs at other times, just to try it out.  I'm not sure.  And I don't really care, either.  In fact, I came to this blog site to check it out, only to find that I had at some earlier date done that already, because it remembered me.  I hope there wasn't some password involved, because I don't remember ever coming to this site before, let alone signing up for it.  Ah, well.  It's the internet; too hard to keep track of everywhere we've been and what we've signed up for.

So, I'd like to say "enough rambling", but that is primarily what I will do.  I suppose I'll start with my intentions for this blog.  I'd also like to begin by stating that I would be surprised if anyone other than my mom (Hi, Mom!) or maybe one of my daughters read this.  But I'm not going to think about that now, because thinking about other people reading this will be more of a hindrance for me than a help.  I will try not think about that, and I will try, as well, to not begin sentences with "so", "and" and "but".  I do that quite a bit in speech, (also "also") and I find myself doing it in my writing.  Which brings me back to...

I'll begin, yet again.  Tee-hee-hee!  My current thoughts on this blog are to a) use it as practice for my writing; b) use it as a sounding-board for myself and my thoughts and ideas; c) use it to review books that I like, and to give my unsolicited opinions on things d) use it as a way to work out my own personal psychological issues.  That last one will be tough.  And probably boring.  But also it will give me lots of writing practice.  (Notice that I started two sentences in a row with "and" and "but".  I guess I still need to work on that.)

I want tell about myself.  I currently suffer from extremely low self-esteem and self-image.  That's something I want to change about myself.  There are lots of things I want to change about myself, but most especially my weight and my laziness.  I think they're connected, oddly enough.  I have all these things I want to do (many of which are sedentary, what's my problem?), but I never do them.  I always think to myself, "I'll do it later", or something similar.  Time just flies by, and suddenly it's bed time, or the next week, and it didn't get done.  So, I feel like if I just start exercising that it will change everything about me.  I don't know if that's true, but I hope it is.  And maybe the reason I don't start exercising is because I'm afraid to find out that it might not be true.  But regardless, I should still exercise.  My brother (not by blood) recently had a heart attack, and he's only about a year and a half older than I am, and relatively speaking, we're about the same level of over-weight.  So that's pretty scary.  I don't want to have a heart attack. It sounds painful.  And potentially deadly.

Regarding my writing, I think I'm OK.  I'll never be Nora Roberts or James Patterson.  But I think I could give your average Harlequin romance a run for it's money.  My writing style does lean towards Hallmark Movie Channel cheesy chick-flix, but that's OK--there is a lot of people that like that style.  It was difficult for me at first because I did not like that style, but since I've realized that is where my talents lie (or is it "lay''?) I've spend more time watching and reading that genre (cheesy chick-flix) and I've begun to enjoy it.  It is helpful if you enjoy what you are writing, for sure.  I am, however, a serial starter; I start stories all the time, and never finish them.  I finished one for a submission contest, and did not get chosen.  That's because it wasn't great.  But it wasn't bad, so I'm not embarrassed that I sent it.  I just know that whomever did get picked was most likely a lot better than I am.  Or was.  I'm getting better, I just need to practice.  Which is what this blog is about (did you for get that already?).

OK, I see that I'm going to need to work on my sentence starters.  I'll worry about that next time.  My daughter Angie is currently creating her own blog; if I figure out a way to link our blogs or include a link I will do that next time.  Now I'm going to go mess with the backgrounds and make it look pretty, or at least distracting enough that you don't realize that all I write is narcissistic ramblings.  Which is primarily what all blogs are, aren't they?

One last note; I'm not going to proofread this article, because if I do I won't post it.  But in the future I will.  Please excuse any type-os or grammatical errors.  There really shouldn't be any, but you never know.