Another day goes by...

The last entry into the blog was on a "bad" day.  Yesterday I was doing better, and today I'm doing better still.  However, I haven't managed to get things done that I need to; I got started on my room.  I swept out everything from under my bed, and now the room looks like a hoarder house--oops!  I need to get this crap cleaned up!  Thankfully, other than a sink full of dishes, the rest of the house isn't that bad.  Pfew! Thank goodness for Thanksgiving house cleaning :)

I had a realization recently about myself, and that is that I'm apathetic.  I do realize that it started out as a defense mechanism against drama and other things in my life.  I talked to my mom on the phone today, and she said, "yeah, I know that.  It's because of your depression."  D'oh! Why didn't she say something?  I suppose she did, in her round-about way.  But I was thinking that maybe the apathy and the depression were different.  I can somehow overcome apathy, I think.  If I think about it enough, and try hard to care about things.  But the depression is just something I have to fight against, so it doesn't "catch hold"  of me.  So now I have more pondering to do.

I thought maybe this would be something fun and funny that friends and family could read every now and then when they're bored, but now I think that it will just bore them. Sigh.  I'm going to keep it up, though, and try to write every day.  Because this is the practice I need for my writing.  I think if I start with gaining the habit of writing it will eventually lead to my fiction writing.  I hope.  I feel like I have a good book or two inside me, I just can't stick with it long enough to get it out.  I'm mildly jealous of other authors that do finish books.  I say mildly, because its too abstract to be real jealousy, and I don't begrudge them their finished books, I just want my own.  I also know that they aren't preventing me in any way from finishing, that its all me.  So I'm more jealous of their personal fortitude, lol.  Oh, expect to see lots of "lol"s in my writing; I can't help it.  I've gotten so used to writing that to express that something is funny that I can't find another way to express it.  I also like smileys :)

I have to stop writing for now, to go check on dinner.  I really feel like I could write more, like if I keep writing today something interesting my flow from my fingertips.  Or not. Whichever.

Btw, that's my idea of the perfect tree!

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy

Today I'm having a "bad" day, which is what I call the days when I can't seem to get out of bed to do even the simplest of things.  It's 1:40 p.m. and I haven't even eaten anything yet, except a couple of chips ahoy.  
Well, it was four cookies, but it could have been the whole pack, and it wasn't, it was only four.  I suppose it could be depression, but I don't feel sad I just feel tired and worthless.  I have so much I have to do, and so much I want to do, yet I haven't done anything.  I haven't even changed the channel on the TV.  Sigh.  

I forgot to blog yesterday, which is stupid, because remembered several times, got distracted, talked to my daughter Angie about her blog, planned to go up immediately and do mine, and, well, didn't.  I'm 40+ years old, and I'm more easily distracted than my 16-month-old grandson!  

I'm not sure why I keep typing, since I don't have anything interesting, insightful or funny to say.  I'd do a book review, it would be tainted by my mood, I'm sure. OK, I'm going to quit now, before I say something dumb.  I do have this to say:  I'm very thankful for my job.  I think it saves me from myself.  I work tonight, so that will require me to get out of bed, eat something, shower and leave the house. Thank you, God, for providing what I need, when I need it, in spite of my best, or worst, efforts to ruin everything at all times.

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

Psalm 119:27-29 

My very first blog post, ever. Sort of.

This is my very first blog post. Ever. Sort of.  Just like the title of the post says.  But to elaborate, I think I may have started other blogs at other times, just to try it out.  I'm not sure.  And I don't really care, either.  In fact, I came to this blog site to check it out, only to find that I had at some earlier date done that already, because it remembered me.  I hope there wasn't some password involved, because I don't remember ever coming to this site before, let alone signing up for it.  Ah, well.  It's the internet; too hard to keep track of everywhere we've been and what we've signed up for.

So, I'd like to say "enough rambling", but that is primarily what I will do.  I suppose I'll start with my intentions for this blog.  I'd also like to begin by stating that I would be surprised if anyone other than my mom (Hi, Mom!) or maybe one of my daughters read this.  But I'm not going to think about that now, because thinking about other people reading this will be more of a hindrance for me than a help.  I will try not think about that, and I will try, as well, to not begin sentences with "so", "and" and "but".  I do that quite a bit in speech, (also "also") and I find myself doing it in my writing.  Which brings me back to...

I'll begin, yet again.  Tee-hee-hee!  My current thoughts on this blog are to a) use it as practice for my writing; b) use it as a sounding-board for myself and my thoughts and ideas; c) use it to review books that I like, and to give my unsolicited opinions on things d) use it as a way to work out my own personal psychological issues.  That last one will be tough.  And probably boring.  But also it will give me lots of writing practice.  (Notice that I started two sentences in a row with "and" and "but".  I guess I still need to work on that.)

I want tell about myself.  I currently suffer from extremely low self-esteem and self-image.  That's something I want to change about myself.  There are lots of things I want to change about myself, but most especially my weight and my laziness.  I think they're connected, oddly enough.  I have all these things I want to do (many of which are sedentary, what's my problem?), but I never do them.  I always think to myself, "I'll do it later", or something similar.  Time just flies by, and suddenly it's bed time, or the next week, and it didn't get done.  So, I feel like if I just start exercising that it will change everything about me.  I don't know if that's true, but I hope it is.  And maybe the reason I don't start exercising is because I'm afraid to find out that it might not be true.  But regardless, I should still exercise.  My brother (not by blood) recently had a heart attack, and he's only about a year and a half older than I am, and relatively speaking, we're about the same level of over-weight.  So that's pretty scary.  I don't want to have a heart attack. It sounds painful.  And potentially deadly.

Regarding my writing, I think I'm OK.  I'll never be Nora Roberts or James Patterson.  But I think I could give your average Harlequin romance a run for it's money.  My writing style does lean towards Hallmark Movie Channel cheesy chick-flix, but that's OK--there is a lot of people that like that style.  It was difficult for me at first because I did not like that style, but since I've realized that is where my talents lie (or is it "lay''?) I've spend more time watching and reading that genre (cheesy chick-flix) and I've begun to enjoy it.  It is helpful if you enjoy what you are writing, for sure.  I am, however, a serial starter; I start stories all the time, and never finish them.  I finished one for a submission contest, and did not get chosen.  That's because it wasn't great.  But it wasn't bad, so I'm not embarrassed that I sent it.  I just know that whomever did get picked was most likely a lot better than I am.  Or was.  I'm getting better, I just need to practice.  Which is what this blog is about (did you for get that already?).

OK, I see that I'm going to need to work on my sentence starters.  I'll worry about that next time.  My daughter Angie is currently creating her own blog; if I figure out a way to link our blogs or include a link I will do that next time.  Now I'm going to go mess with the backgrounds and make it look pretty, or at least distracting enough that you don't realize that all I write is narcissistic ramblings.  Which is primarily what all blogs are, aren't they?

One last note; I'm not going to proofread this article, because if I do I won't post it.  But in the future I will.  Please excuse any type-os or grammatical errors.  There really shouldn't be any, but you never know.